In This Moment

Posted on | April 18, 2009 | No Comments

Usually I am either wandering through the days nostalgic OR in the moment. Lately it seems that somehow it is both at the same time. Perhaps I am nostalgic, and the baby growing inside me is in the moment. What else could you possibly be in utero besides in the moment? Could my baby feel nostalgic over the time when he/she resembled a reptile? Or a an alien?
According to all the resources available in this information age- my baby actually looks like a baby now. My belly seems way too big to be only three months along though.
But back to nostalgia. Now that I am back in this little town where my life nose-dived years ago…thoughts of those days infuse my consciousness on a regular basis. It is not true nostalgia though. If I were nostalgic, I would be feeling LONGING. Occasionally I do feel longing, but it is for certain people who I lost, or people who things never really got started with, or people who I must have terrified or disgusted or angered. Sometimes I replay events in my mind but replace how it ends with something I imagine…like running away to a different story. Then I think- how would that different ending then have made this moment now different? Then I think about how good my life is now, and how thoughts like that are just a matter of curiosity. I mean, I could still be swimming around town addicted to benzos. Instead, I turned things around- and in this moment, I am grateful.

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